More issues than Vogue!
Let’s say PEOPLE….. their issues are weekly.
So I have more issues than a weekly magazine and they range in the topics of pride, love, health and finance.
Pretty much my life. My life is an issue.
But today’s issue is TRUST.
I have trust issues.
This world convinced me to place my trust in their worldly beliefs, people and myself.
When I did that… the worldly beliefs failed. The people failed. And I failed.
So I say this again, I have trust issues.
In order to have an issue with something it will probably help to have a working definition.
Trust is defined as a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability or strength of someone or something.
Just typing that definition makes me wonder … how I could ever place my trust in anyone or anything other than my Heavenly Father?
Well it is very easy to do so.
A person who has a trust issue may build social barriers as a defense mechanism to ensure that trust is not lost again. These barriers are often a way of avoiding the pain, rejection, or guilt associated with mistrust.
My misplaced trust in the world left me broken and damaged. It left me coming to God with an “I’ve got nothing else to lose” attitude because I felt the world had broken me down to nothing.
A lot of life experiences especially with men caused me to have issues with trust.
Makes sense, right?
My unresolved trust issues with men carried over in to my new relationship with Jesus.
Even thinking back on it, I had a very pessimistic and limited mind frame when it came to new love opportunities.
- Never wanted to get married.
- Never thought about kids.
- Samantha Jones was my idol.
- Never catch real feelings
All of this stemmed from pain, a broken heart.
Generally, if a woman has issues with men it is caused by issues with the father. This is no different.
My father was a great man. My best friend. He attended all the sports activities, drove me to the mall, took me shopping and made me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. He had flaws though. A major one was:
He would try his best.
He would really want to do it.
A lot of the time it just never came in to fruition. Most of the time, really.
He disappointed me so many times that if he ever said he was going to do anything or buy something I would never allow myself to get excited until I was right there or it was in my hand.
Being able to speak things in to existence wasn’t a skill he was blessed with.
I had a firm belief in the reliability of his words.
His words weren’t reliable.
Issues with Dad lead to issues with men. So here comes me in my first “relationship”. I am 17 and he is 26.
So promising, right?
We were together for 6 years.
I would say together, he would say best friends….
This was a very tumultuous relationships. Lots of ups and downs. When I think about it, all that comes to mind are the downs. We were living in sin, so what do you expect?
Our relationship just seemed like a big lie. There was lying and cheating on his part which resulted in a revenge plot that involved lying and cheating on my part. To this day, I don’t think there was ever a time when there wasn’t another woman around.
Later on, I found out he had a baby with someone else while we were living together.
I had a firm belief in the truth he was telling me.
He wasn’t tell me the truth.
Let’s fast forward to my last relationship. We were together officially 2 months shy of 2 years but we remained together off and on for three and a half years.
We lived in sin too. We failed.
This was the relationship that revealed how many issues I really had. I thought the only problem we could ever have was cheating.
That was the least of our problems.
In this relationship, I had a communication problem. The strength to stand up for myself and for how I feel was never there to tell him. It was there to tell my family and friends but not him.
I never told him about that period of time that changed the course of my life. The way he found out was not fair to him at all. It wasn’t fair because I wasn’t the one who told him. He had to hear it from someone else.
He had a firm belief in my ability to communicate for our relationship.
My ability to communicate was lacking.
So when it was time to talk to him about it, the only emotion I received was anger and resentment. It is understandable, given the severity of what happened and the changes it would cause to our household.
What wasn’t understandable was why the emotions never changed to understanding, compassion and love. Every time we talked about it, his demeanor and energy would change and he would just get upset all over again. I wasn’t able to come to him even though I was still going through a lot emotionally over this.
I had a firm belief in his strength to forgive and move on.
He didn’t have the strength to forgive and move on.
After all this, I’m coming to another man with unresolved trust issues.
With steel walls built around my heart, security guards, vicious pitbulls, barbwire and an occasional landmine.
To deter anyone from entering.
A sign that reads “Beware of Crazy” just wouldn’t do.
Through His word He is helping me to solve these issues with Him first before he would dare send me back in the dating world.
It is always Him first.
Let me tell you though, Jesus spits game …..
He told me he is the same yesterday, and today and forever.
He told me that I matter to him, I am the apple of his eye and that He loves me with an everlasting love.
God is Draking for me!!
Most importantly He forgives me. He is patient with me. He listens to me. He wants nothing but good for me.
Day by day there is one less security guard.
One less vicious pitbull.
One less landmine.
And the steel wall becomes a little more worn.
Jesus knows I have this stronghold and He works with me so WE can release it. #bettertogether
He is Lord without lording it over my head.
That’s why Yahweh is my bae ❤