Spiritual Journey · Uncategorized

Petty Preserves

Yes, old life life has been shed and a new life has begun…..

Yet, the petty remains.

It has been preserved.

This jar of petty preserves is more on the salty side though than the sweet.

Last week, while at work, I let my pettiness take lead while the Holy Spirit took a back seat.

Looking to Webster, petty is defined as “of little importance, trivial”.

Webster is a good source but my working definition is going to be from Urbandictionary.com, which defines petty as “making things normal people dismiss as trivial or insignificant in to excuses to be upset, uncooperative, childish or stubborn.”

The situation that would be deemed insignificant to others yet an excuse to be childish was my supervisor making a generous decision to come in to work early to help the team through a rush while I was out doing a catering delivery. Upon arriving back from the delivery, the supervisor decides to clock out and leave the building until her scheduled time. 

Needless to say, we were left hanging during a rush. After that, the supervisor went around and complained to other members of the staff about how the morning team left a mess for her to clean up. 

holyspiritblackgirl

After this, my perception of the supervisor as a leader completely changed as well as my attitude towards her. The next day, we didn’t work together.

But those last 2 days working with her……Petty Patty came out to deliver the petty preserves!

When Petty Patty comes out, she comes passive aggressively. The conversation is short and not particularly friendly. Not volunteering help when it was obvious it was needed. Staying to myself. Rolling my eyes. Just a very negative and unprofessional demeanor.

In my mind, I was teaching her a lesson. Showing her that when you just think of yourself, the whole team fails. Also, I justified my actions by saying that she needed to step up in to her leadership so I fell back in my willingness to help.

convictionball

All in all, the focus was on a tit for tat mentality. The focus was on my hurt and not serving my team in the best way possible.

Even with questionable leadership.

Honestly, I went AGAINST my natural reaction to help team members in trouble just so I could teach her lesson. So I could help her to step up in her role. Even more honest? I knew that I was being childish, selfish, prideful….and petty at the time.

Who am I? Who gave me that responsibility?

No one. That was not my role or responsibility.

After a couple days, the conviction came. It came hard. I did nothing to help the supervisor feel comfortable in their role. I not only lashed out on them but the consequences had an effect on co-workers working during that shift as well as the co-workers after the shift.

My actions failed my team in that way. Not the supervisor’s actions.

For 2 days.

How did I show that I was not of this world? How did I show that my actions were different from anyone else’s?

I didn’t.

Apparently after my last shift with the supervisor, there were a couple more rough ones that they weren’t able to handle.

The supervisor decided to part ways with the company.

Even though I knew that this person didn’t have the right personality for the job it wasn’t my job to make that realization for her. My job was to serve their needs at work while God helps them to make that realization.

 

 

 

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More Issues Than Vogue · Spiritual Journey · Uncategorized

More Issues than Vogue: Fear

fear is real stewy

Just being able to share that truth is causing my heart to pick up speed.

This post has been in the making since…. I want to say the beginning of this blog.

What am I afraid of exactly?

Not snakes, insects or rodents.

Oh my!

But fearful of judgement, acceptance and my potential.

Walking with Christ is something I want to do with a full and open heart but  I am terrified of how I will be viewed by the world.

I am terrified of how I will be judged/shamed by the world. The world doesn’t understand that I am forgiven. The world isn’t patient with my short comings and strong holds. The world doesn’t always know my heart.

But the world is physically in front of me. The world is what I face everyday. I step in to it everyday just trying to be a little less of it than the day before. Sometimes a little less than even the hours before.

This fear of the world has prevented me from trying new things, meeting/connecting with new people. Fear has even prevented me from writing blog posts because the topic may not be good enough or too extensive.

Fear has stopped me from breaking the routine of work, gym and home.

Fear has prevented me from the ability to visualize the perfect career, relationship or even house.

If I can’t visualize it, how can God bless it? How can I not reach for it and fail just to know that what God has for me is better than I visualized?

It is so easy to for me to read the Bible everyday. As well as, daily check ins with convictions and small prayer requests of patience.

The hardest part for me is trusting God to take care of me when I take that leap of faith. My trust in Him is dependent on what I know about myself and not about what I know about Him.

My trust in Him is dependent on my capability, my past and my things within my power.

My, my, my.

It’s suppose to be His capability, His past and things within His power.

I KNOW this. Like I really do KNOW this.

I just can’t trust it.

Psychology Today, says that fear is a vital response that can be triggered by bad experiences and traumas. Which is true!

The world has hurt me beyond reason. The people of this world. The men of this world. The media of this world. The promises of this world.

It’s inconsistent. It’s trendy. I’ve spent so much time in this world that it has had an effect on my relationship with God.

Acknowledging that I have this fear, I looked up the term in the Bible App and within the results, there was a verse from Job. After Job cries out to God, his fried Elphaz speaks to him and says:

” Your words have supported those who were falling. You encouraged those with shaky knees. But now when trouble strikes, you lose heart. You are terrified when it touches you. Doesn’t your reverence for God give you confidence? Doesn’t your life of integrity give you hope?”  Job 4: 4-6

These words really resonated with me because I am someone who encourages the people around me. Always reminding others of what He has done but not doing it for myself.

My respect for Him does not give me confidence because I am too scared to allow the confidence/trust to build.

Another verse that touched me was from Psalms 118:6:

The Lord is for me, so I will have no fear. What can mere people do to me?

These are His words for me when I allow the judgement and perception of others to be the sole focus of my actions. Or lack of action.

Lastly, He told me in 2 Timothy 1:7: 

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity but of power, love and self-discipline.

The spirit of fear did not come from Him. Where it came from doesn’t matter. All that does matter is that He didn’t bestow that feeling on me when it comes to experiencing Hi to the fullest.

He did give me a spirit of power to over come the fear and the self discipline to build the confidence in our relationship.

 

To God be the glory presently. To God be the glory when we overcome this fear.