Spiritual Journey · Uncategorized

Petty Preserves

Yes, old life life has been shed and a new life has begun…..

Yet, the petty remains.

It has been preserved.

This jar of petty preserves is more on the salty side though than the sweet.

Last week, while at work, I let my pettiness take lead while the Holy Spirit took a back seat.

Looking to Webster, petty is defined as “of little importance, trivial”.

Webster is a good source but my working definition is going to be from Urbandictionary.com, which defines petty as “making things normal people dismiss as trivial or insignificant in to excuses to be upset, uncooperative, childish or stubborn.”

The situation that would be deemed insignificant to others yet an excuse to be childish was my supervisor making a generous decision to come in to work early to help the team through a rush while I was out doing a catering delivery. Upon arriving back from the delivery, the supervisor decides to clock out and leave the building until her scheduled time. 

Needless to say, we were left hanging during a rush. After that, the supervisor went around and complained to other members of the staff about how the morning team left a mess for her to clean up. 

holyspiritblackgirl

After this, my perception of the supervisor as a leader completely changed as well as my attitude towards her. The next day, we didn’t work together.

But those last 2 days working with her……Petty Patty came out to deliver the petty preserves!

When Petty Patty comes out, she comes passive aggressively. The conversation is short and not particularly friendly. Not volunteering help when it was obvious it was needed. Staying to myself. Rolling my eyes. Just a very negative and unprofessional demeanor.

In my mind, I was teaching her a lesson. Showing her that when you just think of yourself, the whole team fails. Also, I justified my actions by saying that she needed to step up in to her leadership so I fell back in my willingness to help.

convictionball

All in all, the focus was on a tit for tat mentality. The focus was on my hurt and not serving my team in the best way possible.

Even with questionable leadership.

Honestly, I went AGAINST my natural reaction to help team members in trouble just so I could teach her lesson. So I could help her to step up in her role. Even more honest? I knew that I was being childish, selfish, prideful….and petty at the time.

Who am I? Who gave me that responsibility?

No one. That was not my role or responsibility.

After a couple days, the conviction came. It came hard. I did nothing to help the supervisor feel comfortable in their role. I not only lashed out on them but the consequences had an effect on co-workers working during that shift as well as the co-workers after the shift.

My actions failed my team in that way. Not the supervisor’s actions.

For 2 days.

How did I show that I was not of this world? How did I show that my actions were different from anyone else’s?

I didn’t.

Apparently after my last shift with the supervisor, there were a couple more rough ones that they weren’t able to handle.

The supervisor decided to part ways with the company.

Even though I knew that this person didn’t have the right personality for the job it wasn’t my job to make that realization for her. My job was to serve their needs at work while God helps them to make that realization.

 

 

 

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Lifestyle · Spiritual Journey · Uncategorized

Ugh!…Church

 

This has been my sentiment lately when it comes to church.

My pastor, his delivery of the message and his testimony is great! It’s a huge church with a coffee shop. ** Lordbucks**  . Non-denominational.  Everyone greets you with a smile. The church itself is awesome. My spiritual journey officially began here with saying the prayer of salvation, getting baptized and involving myself with the church community.

There was a time I was heavily involved as a Pre-K volunteer, Young Adult group leader and going to service.

Every weekend.

Then…. at the top of this year, my presence in the church has become non-existent. No where to be found in the Pre-K room. Practically invisible in young adult groups. And never seen during service.

Why? might you ask…..

After careful prayer and reflection…

I don’t respond well to change. There is an anxiety there and I don’t know why.

It started last year when the room leader for Pre-K just left. With no explanation. We were close. Well, about as close as I would allow. She knew about the tough time I had when first arriving in Las Vegas. She related to me by telling me a few life experiences she had before Jesus. At times, we had that special non verbal eye contact when the kids did something crazy. We even did a Bible study with other members of the Pre-K team.

In my book, we were practically church bffs!

Then she left. Once she left, a lot of other volunteers left. Then new leaders stepped in and the vibe just wasn’t the same.

So once my Pre-K participation began to decrease my responsibilities in Young Adult began to increase. My former group leader had an opportunity to move to North Carolina and she took it. She asked me to be her apprentice and lead the group for the next session. I was so excited and said “Yes!”

 

Now, when the church says Young Adult, the age range is 18-29. In reality, the age range was 18-23. With a sprinkle of adults who were 25-27 years old. Then there was me, the only one approaching 30. Honestly, I was the only one approaching 30 with some real experiences about living life through the flesh. Didn’t they realize how much change happens between 18 and 29?? That’s like 3 different life stages in a 12 year frame!

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My group was cool. We had a good time but we never opened up the I imagined we would. Everything discussed was shallow. I wanted to go deeper but the connection with the women in the group just wasn’t there for me to feel safe enough to share my story.

Then the ministry leaders decided to bestow upon me a second apprentice. An apprentice I didn’t particularly care for. Nor choose. Nor was she apart of my group at all from previous sessions. At this point, everyone in my group is between the ages of 18-25.

The study discussions became a little bit more immature and not relatable for me. The social outings were more for their age range and not mine.

I have to admit…I love a good happy hour! Not necessarily for drinks but for food and ambience.

The disconnect was getting bigger by the day. Going to young adults every Saturday night was beginning to feel more like a chore/job. Everything that I was suppose to feel while doing life with these women…I didn’t feel it. No connection. No love.

There wasn’t even potential.

I know…I know…with God as our common trait there should always be potential.

I didn’t feel it, see it, smell it or even taste it.

Don’t get me wrong…I attended young adults for a little over a year and I didn’t feel the disconnect until the last 3 months of my leadership. There was a time, I looked forward to being there and seeing these women. But there was a change……

So why am I not seen during service?

Well, by the glory of God, our church was able to expand its auditorium in order to have more booty’s in the seats to hear the Word of God.

Which is fantastic! A lot of churches aren’t able to grow the way mine has. My church is flourishing and spreading the word of  Jesus…. but the expansion wasn’t only in the auditorium it was also with my disconnection.

As soon as they opened their doors and had the grand reopening, I stopped making an effort to attend. Lol. I make more of an effort to watch it online. Throughout the year, I’ve attended a handful of times and obviously I never regret it and always feel good afterwards.

But my excitement and motivation to go is gone.

My connection with my church is gone and I don’t know what to do.

I don’t respond well to change but is that the only reason?

As I am rereading my post, I see that a lot of my connection is placed in the people of my church and not the God of my church.

People are finniky. Ever changing. Full of fear.

Even me.

He isn’t.

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In Matthew 18:20 he says, “For where two or three, gather in my name, there am I with them.”

Let me just get those two or three!

 

 

 

Lifestyle · music · Spiritual Journey

Just not my thing……

One struggle I have in my spiritual journey is connecting with Christian music. Gospel music.

Any kind of praise and worship.

Simply put, I just don’t prefer it as a genre. It is difficult for me to find songs, artists or even albums that I like.

Pop music, Trap music, Rhythm and Blues

all reign in my car.

I am all for Tunechi getting released from his Cash Money

contract so The Carter 5 can finally come out.

At church, I come late to avoid the music as much as possible.

That is my attitude and Holy Spirit is working on it.

So God send’s “River of Jordan” by Lecrae…my way…through Google Play.  🙂

Lecrae is a Grammy-winning hip-hop artist who is of faith.

The song is featured on the soundtrack for the 2017 movie, “The Shack”.

*loved this book*

Just like the novel and movie, the song details the journey of a relationship with God.

The journey begins with a person filled with pain, sadness and frustration:

What ya’ll want
I can’t live, can’t be free
I can’t be here
Gave my sweat gave my tears
Gave up all the best of my years
I done gave everything
I ain’t gained anything
Just pain and more sadness

Coming to God with a rebellious spirit, “Nah I ain’t livin’ for your love, Case dismissed I don’t need another judge”.

He isn’t living for God’s love or judgement of his life.

Which was modeled for him through religion.

This leads to the simple yet powerful chorus, at least for me:

I’m losing my religion
I’ve realized I wasn’t built for these conditions

By time the second verse ends, he has developed a relationship with God. Understands that even though they didn’t choose God, God chose them. Regardless of their flaws.

But faith keeps me from folding
It’s all I got left I’m left here with no one
I ain’t choose You but You say I’m chosen
And when I feel lost the cross all I hope in
I lost my religion but I found God
Sounds odd but I’m better at seeing how far
Did I come from the dark is the nights to the light
Irregardless of all of my many flaws

When Lecrae repeats the line, “I ain’t livin’ for your love, Case dismissed I don’t need another judge”, the tone has changed from a rebellious Spirit towards God to one towards the world.

He isn’t living for their love, only God’s love. He doesn’t need the world’s judgement, only God’s.

This song gave me life!

As soon as I heard it,there was an immediate connection with my Spirit.

Lecrae’s rap style combined with Breyan Issac’s voice makes for a great song.

Being on a spiritual journey is personal. Convictions are personal. Healing is personal.

For me, the only way for these truth to be revealed is through a relationship with God not through the rules of denominations/religion.

Only He knows our heart.

God know’s how He fearfully and wonderfully made me.

He knows the struggle.