More Issues Than Vogue · Spiritual Journey · Uncategorized

More Issues than Vogue: Fear

fear is real stewy

Just being able to share that truth is causing my heart to pick up speed.

This post has been in the making since…. I want to say the beginning of this blog.

What am I afraid of exactly?

Not snakes, insects or rodents.

Oh my!

But fearful of judgement, acceptance and my potential.

Walking with Christ is something I want to do with a full and open heart but  I am terrified of how I will be viewed by the world.

I am terrified of how I will be judged/shamed by the world. The world doesn’t understand that I am forgiven. The world isn’t patient with my short comings and strong holds. The world doesn’t always know my heart.

But the world is physically in front of me. The world is what I face everyday. I step in to it everyday just trying to be a little less of it than the day before. Sometimes a little less than even the hours before.

This fear of the world has prevented me from trying new things, meeting/connecting with new people. Fear has even prevented me from writing blog posts because the topic may not be good enough or too extensive.

Fear has stopped me from breaking the routine of work, gym and home.

Fear has prevented me from the ability to visualize the perfect career, relationship or even house.

If I can’t visualize it, how can God bless it? How can I not reach for it and fail just to know that what God has for me is better than I visualized?

It is so easy to for me to read the Bible everyday. As well as, daily check ins with convictions and small prayer requests of patience.

The hardest part for me is trusting God to take care of me when I take that leap of faith. My trust in Him is dependent on what I know about myself and not about what I know about Him.

My trust in Him is dependent on my capability, my past and my things within my power.

My, my, my.

It’s suppose to be His capability, His past and things within His power.

I KNOW this. Like I really do KNOW this.

I just can’t trust it.

Psychology Today, says that fear is a vital response that can be triggered by bad experiences and traumas. Which is true!

The world has hurt me beyond reason. The people of this world. The men of this world. The media of this world. The promises of this world.

It’s inconsistent. It’s trendy. I’ve spent so much time in this world that it has had an effect on my relationship with God.

Acknowledging that I have this fear, I looked up the term in the Bible App and within the results, there was a verse from Job. After Job cries out to God, his fried Elphaz speaks to him and says:

” Your words have supported those who were falling. You encouraged those with shaky knees. But now when trouble strikes, you lose heart. You are terrified when it touches you. Doesn’t your reverence for God give you confidence? Doesn’t your life of integrity give you hope?”  Job 4: 4-6

These words really resonated with me because I am someone who encourages the people around me. Always reminding others of what He has done but not doing it for myself.

My respect for Him does not give me confidence because I am too scared to allow the confidence/trust to build.

Another verse that touched me was from Psalms 118:6:

The Lord is for me, so I will have no fear. What can mere people do to me?

These are His words for me when I allow the judgement and perception of others to be the sole focus of my actions. Or lack of action.

Lastly, He told me in 2 Timothy 1:7: 

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity but of power, love and self-discipline.

The spirit of fear did not come from Him. Where it came from doesn’t matter. All that does matter is that He didn’t bestow that feeling on me when it comes to experiencing Hi to the fullest.

He did give me a spirit of power to over come the fear and the self discipline to build the confidence in our relationship.

 

To God be the glory presently. To God be the glory when we overcome this fear.

 

 

 

 

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Lifestyle · More Issues Than Vogue · Spiritual Journey · Uncategorized

He Knew I Had Issues

More issues than Vogue!

Let’s say PEOPLE….. their issues are weekly.

So I have more issues than a weekly magazine and they range in the topics of pride, love, health and finance.

Pretty much my life. My life is an issue.

But today’s issue is TRUST.

I have trust issues.

This world convinced me to place my trust in their worldly beliefs, people and myself.

When I did that… the worldly beliefs failed. The people failed. And I failed.

Again.

So I say this again, I have trust issues.

In order to have an issue with something it will probably help to have a working definition.

Trust is defined as a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability or strength of someone or something.

Just typing that definition makes me wonder … how I could ever place my trust in anyone or anything other than my Heavenly Father?

Well it is very easy to do so.

A person who has a trust issue may build social barriers as a defense mechanism to ensure that trust is not lost again. These barriers are often a way of avoiding the pain, rejection, or guilt associated with mistrust.

My misplaced trust in the world left me broken and damaged. It left me coming to God with an “I’ve got nothing else to lose” attitude because I felt the world had broken me down to nothing.

A lot of life experiences especially with men caused me to have issues with trust.

Makes sense, right?

My unresolved trust issues with men carried over in to my new relationship with Jesus.

Even thinking back on it, I had a very pessimistic and limited mind frame when it came to new love opportunities.

  • Never wanted to get married.
  • Never thought about kids.
  • Samantha Jones was my idol.
  • Never catch real feelings

All of this stemmed from pain, a broken heart.

Trust issues.

Generally, if a woman has issues with men it is caused by issues with the father. This is no different.

My father was a great man. My best friend. He attended all the sports activities, drove me to the mall, took me shopping and made me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. He had flaws though. A major one was:

Broken Promises.

He would try his best.

He would really want to do it.

A lot of the time it just never came in to fruition. Most of the time, really.

He disappointed me so many times that if he ever said he was going to do anything or buy something I would never allow myself to get excited until I was right there or it was in my hand.

Being able to speak things in to existence wasn’t a skill he was blessed with.

I had a firm belief in the reliability of his words.

His words weren’t reliable.

Trust Issue.

Issues with Dad lead to issues with men. So here comes me in my first “relationship”. I am 17 and he is 26.

So promising, right?

We were together for 6 years.

I would say together, he would say best friends….

This was a very tumultuous relationships. Lots of ups and downs. When I think about it, all that comes to mind are the downs. We were living in sin, so what do you expect?

Our relationship just seemed like a big lie. There was lying and cheating on his part which resulted in a revenge plot that involved lying and cheating on my part. To this day, I don’t think there was ever a time when there wasn’t another woman around.

Later on, I found out he had a baby with someone else while we were living together.

I had a firm belief in the truth he was telling me.

He wasn’t tell me the truth.

Trust Issue

Let’s fast forward to my last relationship. We were together officially 2 months shy of 2 years but we remained together off and on for three and a half years.

We lived in sin too. We failed.

This was the relationship that revealed how many issues I really had. I thought the only problem we could ever have was cheating.

That was the least of our problems.

In this relationship, I had a communication problem. The strength to stand up for myself and for how I feel was never there to tell him. It was there to tell my family and friends but not him.

I never told him about that period of time that changed the course of my life. The way he found out was not fair to him at all. It wasn’t fair because I wasn’t the one who told him. He had to hear it from someone else.

He had a firm belief in my ability to communicate for our relationship.

My ability to communicate was lacking.

Trust Issue.

So when it was time to talk to him about it, the only emotion I received was anger and resentment. It is understandable, given the severity of what happened and the changes it would cause to our household.

What wasn’t understandable was why the emotions never changed to understanding, compassion and love. Every time we talked about it, his demeanor and energy would change and he would just get upset all over again. I wasn’t able to come to him even though I was still going through a lot emotionally over this.

I had a firm belief in his strength to forgive and move on.

He didn’t have the strength to forgive and move on.

Trust Issue. 

After all this, I’m coming to another man with unresolved trust issues.

Jesus.

With steel walls built around my heart, security guards, vicious pitbulls, barbwire and an occasional landmine.

To deter anyone from entering.

A sign that reads “Beware of Crazy” just wouldn’t do.

Through His word He is helping me to solve these issues with Him first before he would dare send me back in the dating world.

It is always Him first.

Let me tell you though, Jesus spits game …..

He told me he is the same yesterday, and today and forever.

Consistent.

He told me that I matter to him, I am the apple of his eye and that He loves me with an everlasting love.

God is Draking for me!!

Most importantly He forgives me. He is patient with me. He listens to me. He wants nothing but good for me.

Day by day there is one less security guard.

One less vicious pitbull.

One less landmine.

And the steel wall becomes a little more worn.

Jesus knows I have this stronghold and He works with me so WE can release it. #bettertogether

He is Lord without lording it over my head.

That’s why Yahweh is my bae ❤

Lifestyle · More Issues Than Vogue · Spiritual Journey · Uncategorized

Today I Yelled at God

because I am so frustrated. Every time I think I am going forward in life with Him, He responds with “NO!”

No career change.

No promotion.

No exotic vacation.

No house of my own.

During my temper tantrum, I told Him I was frustrated with where I am.

Today was the day I was told that if I wanted a house now my loan would max at $70,000. My lender said she would keep in touch every 90 days to see how I am financially.

Simply put, I was doing everything right to make my credit better but I’m not making enough money to afford a house.

Mind you, I began this housing process when I believed I was going to be making a career change and making a decent salary between both jobs.

He told me No then too.

So after the last No, I unleashed it all on Him.

“I can’t hear You.”

“These other voices are too loud.”

“Why am I here?”

“What do you want me to do?”

“AAAAHHHH!”

I literally felt like I was schizophrenic. I was crying so hard. My heart felt like it had enough of His “No.”

Through this lashing out, I found out that the real issue was that I allowed other people to talk me in to applying for something I knew that I wasn’t ready for. Career change or not. I’m on a plan to get my student loans out of default and my car will be paid off in a couple of months.

I even have three savings accounts. It is taking time but I’m doing it. He is bringing blessing to the financial knowledge I have acquired in the last year.

My anger was at the foolishness I felt when the lender told me my income was too low. The feeling was embarrassment.  Which stems from who?

Pride.

Again.

Applying for something before He has prepared me for it. You know what would’ve been more embarrassing? Foreclosure. Or not being able to qualify for anything at all.

The lender told me that I was on the right track. I just need to increase my income.

The way I am perceived brings such anxiety to me.  Almost to the point of being anti social. I projected my feelings on to the lender and how I thought she viewed me. I take a lot of pride in how others think of me. My #vickybelief is that they should think positively of me.

Also, I allowed people to talk me in to something I didn’t want to do. He gave me a timeline and I went against it. I didn’t fully believe that His timeline was enough. It is prideful to think less of yourself.

My fault.

#christcheck #conviction #revelation #hispromises #wisdom

As a child of my heavenly Father, I do believe that I am allowed a tantrum. We have them with our biological parents, right?

I even thinks He enjoys it because I came to Him not friends, family or vices.. Even in anger and frustration at Him, He gave me peace.

He laid on my heart to go to the gym and run it out. I did. I even asked for Him to hold my hand while doing tough intervals.

So, today I yelled at God with every being inside of me.
It turns out I was yelling to God about my very being.

More Issues Than Vogue · Spiritual Journey · Uncategorized

Who gon stop me,huh?!

my-ego-level-kanye-thumb

So I went to the gym today and as I was working out, this song came on by Kanye West and Jay-Z from their “Watch the Throne” album, titled “Who gon stop Me”.

This is a great fitness song btw.

The bass and the beats per minute in the song are the perfect rhythmn for a good run. But the words are what keep pushing me to keep going even after I have tired myself out. The chorus anyway.

“I can’t stop”.

My Mental Answer: Nope.

“Who gon stop me?”

MMA: No one

“Who gon stop me, huh?”

MMA: I said …Nobody

Lots of obscenities flow through my mind. Geared toward the invisable haters I seem to only have when lip-rapping songs.

No one can stop me. I’m invincible. I’m on top of the world. I’m strong. #kanyeegoondeck

As soon as the chorus repeats, God and Pride answered the last 2 questions. Mind you,  I’ve heard Kanye ask these questions, so eloquently, through my earphones numerous times.

STOP!                HOLD UP!            WAIT A MINUTE!

Almost killed myself on the treadmill.

These are the kind of Christ checks that Holy Spirit lays on me on a day to day basis. Hour to hour basis. Minute by minute basis.

The appropriate word for this #christcheck is conviction.

Immediately, on a treadmill, I had a pride conviction, a revelation of how God communicates and a blog post.

Pride conviction:

My pride is my biggest problem. I either put myself below or above pthers.

Never equal.

This is the root of my evil and Vicky-like behavior. Projecting MY thoughts, feelings and insecurities on to others. As if their own are beneath or above my own.

This can stop me. This has stopped me.

God communicates through rejection:

God will stop an opportunity. A plan. A relationship. A mindset. A broken heart. A stronghold.

He has stopped all of these thing for me. Either because I wasn’t ready for it or it wasn’t right for me.

Obviously, these revelations aren’t revealed until afterwards.

For me anyway. Honestly, if He was speaking to me at the time, I was probably so wrapped into myself I wasn’t open to hear Him.

So He stops it.

Brings it to an end.

Maybe even demolishes it.

The great thing about it is He stops these things out of love. He knows the plans for us. He knows the plan for me.

He has plans to prosper and not to harm.

He has a plan for hope and a future.

These are His promises.

God can stop me.

Anytime.