Just being able to share that truth is causing my heart to pick up speed.
This post has been in the making since…. I want to say the beginning of this blog.
What am I afraid of exactly?
Not snakes, insects or rodents.
But fearful of judgement, acceptance and my potential.
Walking with Christ is something I want to do with a full and open heart but I am terrified of how I will be viewed by the world.
I am terrified of how I will be judged/shamed by the world. The world doesn’t understand that I am forgiven. The world isn’t patient with my short comings and strong holds. The world doesn’t always know my heart.
But the world is physically in front of me. The world is what I face everyday. I step in to it everyday just trying to be a little less of it than the day before. Sometimes a little less than even the hours before.
This fear of the world has prevented me from trying new things, meeting/connecting with new people. Fear has even prevented me from writing blog posts because the topic may not be good enough or too extensive.
Fear has stopped me from breaking the routine of work, gym and home.
Fear has prevented me from the ability to visualize the perfect career, relationship or even house.
If I can’t visualize it, how can God bless it? How can I not reach for it and fail just to know that what God has for me is better than I visualized?
It is so easy to for me to read the Bible everyday. As well as, daily check ins with convictions and small prayer requests of patience.
The hardest part for me is trusting God to take care of me when I take that leap of faith. My trust in Him is dependent on what I know about myself and not about what I know about Him.
My trust in Him is dependent on my capability, my past and my things within my power.
My, my, my.
It’s suppose to be His capability, His past and things within His power.
I KNOW this. Like I really do KNOW this.
I just can’t trust it.
Psychology Today, says that fear is a vital response that can be triggered by bad experiences and traumas. Which is true!
The world has hurt me beyond reason. The people of this world. The men of this world. The media of this world. The promises of this world.
It’s inconsistent. It’s trendy. I’ve spent so much time in this world that it has had an effect on my relationship with God.
Acknowledging that I have this fear, I looked up the term in the Bible App and within the results, there was a verse from Job. After Job cries out to God, his fried Elphaz speaks to him and says:
” Your words have supported those who were falling. You encouraged those with shaky knees. But now when trouble strikes, you lose heart. You are terrified when it touches you. Doesn’t your reverence for God give you confidence? Doesn’t your life of integrity give you hope?” Job 4: 4-6
These words really resonated with me because I am someone who encourages the people around me. Always reminding others of what He has done but not doing it for myself.
My respect for Him does not give me confidence because I am too scared to allow the confidence/trust to build.
Another verse that touched me was from Psalms 118:6:
The Lord is for me, so I will have no fear. What can mere people do to me?
These are His words for me when I allow the judgement and perception of others to be the sole focus of my actions. Or lack of action.
Lastly, He told me in 2 Timothy 1:7:
For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity but of power, love and self-discipline.
The spirit of fear did not come from Him. Where it came from doesn’t matter. All that does matter is that He didn’t bestow that feeling on me when it comes to experiencing Hi to the fullest.
He did give me a spirit of power to over come the fear and the self discipline to build the confidence in our relationship.
To God be the glory presently. To God be the glory when we overcome this fear.