Ugh!…Church

 

This has been my sentiment lately when it comes to church.

My pastor, his delivery of the message and his testimony is great! It’s a huge church with a coffee shop. ** Lordbucks**  . Non-denominational.  Everyone greets you with a smile. The church itself is awesome. My spiritual journey officially began here with saying the prayer of salvation, getting baptized and involving myself with the church community.

There was a time I was heavily involved as a Pre-K volunteer, Young Adult group leader and going to service.

Every weekend.

Then…. at the top of this year, my presence in the church has become non-existent. No where to be found in the Pre-K room. Practically invisible in young adult groups. And never seen during service.

Why? might you ask…..

After careful prayer and reflection…

I don’t respond well to change. There is an anxiety there and I don’t know why.

It started last year when the room leader for Pre-K just left. With no explanation. We were close. Well, about as close as I would allow. She knew about the tough time I had when first arriving in Las Vegas. She related to me by telling me a few life experiences she had before Jesus. At times, we had that special non verbal eye contact when the kids did something crazy. We even did a Bible study with other members of the Pre-K team.

In my book, we were practically church bffs!

Then she left. Once she left, a lot of other volunteers left. Then new leaders stepped in and the vibe just wasn’t the same.

So once my Pre-K participation began to decrease my responsibilities in Young Adult began to increase. My former group leader had an opportunity to move to North Carolina and she took it. She asked me to be her apprentice and lead the group for the next session. I was so excited and said “Yes!”

 

Now, when the church says Young Adult, the age range is 18-29. In reality, the age range was 18-23. With a sprinkle of adults who were 25-27 years old. Then there was me, the only one approaching 30. Honestly, I was the only one approaching 30 with some real experiences about living life through the flesh. Didn’t they realize how much change happens between 18 and 29?? That’s like 3 different life stages in a 12 year frame!

My group was cool. We had a good time but we never opened up the I imagined we would. Everything discussed was shallow. I wanted to go deeper but the connection with the women in the group just wasn’t there for me to feel safe enough to share my story.

Then the ministry leaders decided to bestow upon me a second apprentice. An apprentice I didn’t particularly care for. Nor choose. Nor was she apart of my group at all from previous sessions. At this point, everyone in my group is between the ages of 18-25.

The study discussions became a little bit more immature and not relatable for me. The social outings were more for their age range and not mine.

I have to admit…I love a good happy hour! Not necessarily for drinks but for food and ambience.

The disconnect was getting bigger by the day. Going to young adults every Saturday night was beginning to feel more like a chore/job. Everything that I was suppose to feel while doing life with these women…I didn’t feel it. No connection. No love.

There wasn’t even potential.

I know…I know…with God as our common trait there should always be potential.

I didn’t feel it, see it, smell it or even taste it.

Don’t get me wrong…I attended young adults for a little over a year and I didn’t feel the disconnect until the last 3 months of my leadership. There was a time, I looked forward to being there and seeing these women. But there was a change……

So why am I not seen during service?

Well, by the glory of God, our church was able to expand its auditorium in order to have more booty’s in the seats to hear the Word of God.

Which is fantastic! A lot of churches aren’t able to grow the way mine has. My church is flourishing and spreading the word of  Jesus…. but the expansion wasn’t only in the auditorium it was also with my disconnection.

As soon as they opened their doors and had the grand reopening, I stopped making an effort to attend. Lol. I make more of an effort to watch it online. Throughout the year, I’ve attended a handful of times and obviously I never regret it and always feel good afterwards.

But my excitement and motivation to go is gone.

My connection with my church is gone and I don’t know what to do.

I don’t respond well to change but is that the only reason?

As I am rereading my post, I see that a lot of my connection is placed in the people of my church and not the God of my church.

People are finniky. Ever changing. Full of fear.

Even me.

He isn’t.

In Matthew 18:20 he says, “For where two or three, gather in my name, there am I with them.”

Let me just get those two or three!