because I am so frustrated. Every time I think I am going forward in life with Him, He responds with “NO!”
No career change.
No exotic vacation.
No house of my own.
During my temper tantrum, I told Him I was frustrated with where I am.
Today was the day I was told that if I wanted a house now my loan would max at $70,000. My lender said she would keep in touch every 90 days to see how I am financially.
Simply put, I was doing everything right to make my credit better but I’m not making enough money to afford a house.
Mind you, I began this housing process when I believed I was going to be making a career change and making a decent salary between both jobs.
He told me No then too.
So after the last No, I unleashed it all on Him.
“I can’t hear You.”
“These other voices are too loud.”
“Why am I here?”
“What do you want me to do?”
I literally felt like I was schizophrenic. I was crying so hard. My heart felt like it had enough of His “No.”
Through this lashing out, I found out that the real issue was that I allowed other people to talk me in to applying for something I knew that I wasn’t ready for. Career change or not. I’m on a plan to get my student loans out of default and my car will be paid off in a couple of months.
I even have three savings accounts. It is taking time but I’m doing it. He is bringing blessing to the financial knowledge I have acquired in the last year.
My anger was at the foolishness I felt when the lender told me my income was too low. The feeling was embarrassment. Which stems from who?
Applying for something before He has prepared me for it. You know what would’ve been more embarrassing? Foreclosure. Or not being able to qualify for anything at all.
The lender told me that I was on the right track. I just need to increase my income.
The way I am perceived brings such anxiety to me. Almost to the point of being anti social. I projected my feelings on to the lender and how I thought she viewed me. I take a lot of pride in how others think of me. My #vickybelief is that they should think positively of me.
Also, I allowed people to talk me in to something I didn’t want to do. He gave me a timeline and I went against it. I didn’t fully believe that His timeline was enough. It is prideful to think less of yourself.
#christcheck #conviction #revelation #hispromises #wisdom
As a child of my heavenly Father, I do believe that I am allowed a tantrum. We have them with our biological parents, right?
I even thinks He enjoys it because I came to Him not friends, family or vices.. Even in anger and frustration at Him, He gave me peace.
He laid on my heart to go to the gym and run it out. I did. I even asked for Him to hold my hand while doing tough intervals.
So, today I yelled at God with every being inside of me.
It turns out I was yelling to God about my very being.